The ARDS Foundation - Body, Mind, & Spirit

By Pastor Ian

The Importance of Closure

Today she closed the door on a chapter of her life that had been a part of her for the past ten years. It was her ‘baby,’ the fulfillment of a life’s dream, and it was successful, providing her husband and herself with much to feel good about. Her effective involvement with this project ended on November 27th. 2000, yet she delayed committing it to the history books until today. Why did my friend wait for over two years to do this? Well, she had hoped that following her dance with the devil ARDS, she might regain sufficient good health to be able to continue with her project, but this was not to be the case. My friend opted to let go and let be as it is. She made a good decision.

For those of you who might have faced the rapid onset of ARDS in a relative or friend, you will recall being pitched into the role of support person with little or no warning. Your normal daily routine of life suddenly changed to include many hours each week commuting to and from a hospital, and further hours spent in waiting rooms and by the bedside of the one you loved. The illness ran its course, hopefully ending on a more positive note, with your friend being discharged from hospital to finish his/her recuperation at home. Sadly, in some cases, the outcome is the death of the one you love, and your life and routine is returned to its pre ARDS status. In both of these situations I have outlined, while you may return to your normal activities, your life has changed due to the experiences you have shared through your friend’s illness.

Becoming a part of an ARDS case as a support person places you in a position of stress that will/should reduce as your friend’s need for support reduces. Stress can however linger for many months, and indeed for years afterwards if steps are not taken to obtain effective closure of the event. Where death has been the end result, the wounds of grief will not become closed until the reality of the loss is accepted. Emotional ties to the deceased need to be gracefully surrendered, and new relationships formed, providing new sources of companionship/friendship/love etc. complimenting that which has been lost.

The crisis of death confronts some people with the poverty or obsolescence of their beliefs and values. (Clinebell) Our support person finds himself or herself not only trying to come to terms with loss; they also have to deal with changing their own motivation and goals as a result of this recent traumatic life experience and the learning that accompanied it.

O.K., that is a whole heck of a lot to absorb and it is perhaps a little intimidating. Please understand that for the majority of people, moving through an experience like the one I have described, and obtaining closure, is accomplished successfully with no long-term damage, and no need for any kind of intervention. The support of family and friends/community is normally sufficient to pull one through the valley and back into the light once more. For others however, they find it difficult to come to terms with grief and continue to express signs of grief for extended periods. These are the people who require to seek out professionals who will help them to come to terms with their grief, accept it, and move on with their own lives before they, themselves, waste any more of that precious thing we call ‘life.’ Remember, moving on with life is not in any way disrespectful. It is quite the opposite since trying to be the best that we can be, honors the memory of the departed rather than diminishing it.

Reinhold Neibuhr, philosopher said:

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

 Obtaining Closure for life’s eventful moments is all of these things.